A Letter to My Body

Dear Complaints Department,

When I signed up for this body it seemed like a great deal. It was all health and vigor for the first 30 years. I was active and happy and ate anything I wanted. Lately, however, I have become dissatisfied with this product. My usage has not changed, but the results are drastically different. Heavy drinking never used to require two days of recharging. Product lag after 11pm has become quite outrageous. And most importantly, it seems as though all intake is now immediately designated long term storage. In other words, I got fat. I am quite appalled, since I received no notification of these new terms of use.

I bet you thought you could pull the wool over my eyes. It happened so slowly, maybe you assumed I wouldn’t notice at all. That when my favorite top that looked so totally amazing on me gradually became a corset, I would believe it had shrunk in the wash. When my favorite skirt ripped up the backside seam while at the office, I would forget to ask why as I rushed home, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. When my knee started to ache with the extra weight it was supporting, I would assume it was a long-term sprain and buy one of those dumb compression brace thingies. You almost got away with it. But those pictures and videos of me at the company picnic sold you out. There I was: arms flapping with each motion, stomach barely contained by a seriously strained belt, and derrière hanging over the sides of my sad little folding chair. You, body, are no longer an item I recognize.

I hope you grasp the emotional damage your failing product has had on my life. I have had to end relationships with those that are closest to me. Carbs. Sugars. For God’s sake, even most types of booze! Who is left to comfort me on a hard day? Or celebrate with me when I get a promotion? Not only do the things I love most cause adverse physical symptoms—I’m lookin’ at you adult acne, uncomfortable bloating, and the constant flop sweat caused by a leisurely walk—I am now dealing with glitches like self-loathing, guilt, and overall sadness. The fixes you suggested of broccoli, kale, and *gag* quinoa are hardly sufficient to cover my losses.

As such, I would like to request a reinstatement of services that came with the earlier model. These services include, but are not limited to:

  • Unlimited calories. Or at least you could send me a text message when I’ve reached my limit every month, you know?
  • Nights and weekends. I want those back. I don’t go out anymore. Nobody wants to see me in a tube top.
  • The latest apps. Onions rings, Buffalo wings, and mozzarella sticks are a few appetizers I can no longer enjoy, ever since heartburn became a regular occurrence.

I believe my length of usage, as well as the customer loyalty I have shown your product should allow me to be grandfathered in to any other benefits that may have been cancelled due to your new terms of service. I hope that you see to these changes immediately.

Thank you.